無法道別的的親人 The Loved One that you can’t say goodbye to
由於冠狀病毒在全球肆虐，大家面臨了過去沒有經歷過的生活型態改變。有許多新住民或在國外工作的朋友也因此無法回家。這一年多來許多的朋友或者是個案都面臨了親密的重要他人離開身邊，筆者也在這時期經歷了家中長輩及毛小孩過世卻無法返家道別的苦楚。由於疫情的緣故，我們在哀悼過程中的適應也會比以往更加辛苦。
那經歷了此一重大事件通常會出現以下幾種現象：
●脫離現實
你會經歷到強烈否認的感受，因你在異地沒辦法直接感受到這位親人已經不在了。無法參與逝者的告別式會讓我們很難相信他真的離開我們了，對逝者的離世沒有現實感。我們很容易回到家鄉後，跟親人常一起互動的場景中，你的悲傷情緒會慢慢地浮現出來，這所謂的延宕悲傷情緒。
我們在日常中可能很習慣與這位逝者分享生活點滴、照片等，正當你有衝動想要與對方分享你的生活，卻發現對方已經離世了，將會產生失落的情緒。
●看到某些跟逝者相關的事情，情緒就會被激起
當我們在目前居住的環境與逝者較少連結，可能不會直接影響或觸及到你目前的生活。但如果突然看到逝者送給你的禮物或妳們的合照或者是其他跟逝者相關的物品，情緒就容易被激起。
筆者在滑手機時看到小時候慶生的照片，想起照片中的蛋糕是這時過世的長輩做的，悲傷的情緒便一下子湧上來了。
●自責的情緒
很多移民者在經歷重要他人生病或死亡時會出現自責情緒，自責自己為何當初選擇到國外工作而無法親自照顧生病的家人、無法看到他們最後一面等等。一般經歷到死亡事件較少會讓生者回溯過去的決定，這時候你需要同理自己在當時你決定到國外工作是當時最好的決定，你為了可以有更好的未來、更好的經濟收入，這些都是你為家人付出的證據，去看到自己做這個決定對自己及家人的幫助與意義。
●某部分的自己隨著逝者消失了
我從小因家人忙碌缺乏家人陪伴，陪伴我長大的兩隻狗卻在我到國外工作時過世了，當他們過世時我覺得有部分的自己隨著他們跟著消失了。我跟他們共同的記憶，只有我們知道，但這個記憶就剩下我一個人記得。有許多失去伴侶或其他重要他人的人也常伴隨著這種感受。
那我要如何去安頓或適應失去逝者的生活呢？
●接受或經驗悲傷的感受
當你慢慢地發現對方真的過世了、他從你的日常生活消失了，你會感受到許多撕裂般的傷痛與悲傷。你要找適當的時間與空間與你的悲傷情緒相處。儘管你可能沒有意識到，但這個情緒一定會影響到你的日常生活。因我們在國外期間無法請假參與告別式或其他儀式，必要時讓你居住國家的工作上司或親密的朋友了解你正在經歷的哀悼，如果時間允許也讓自己請假，好好接納與陪伴自身的悲傷情緒。你需要一個很長的適應階段，甚至可能需要許多年來讓這種傷痛隨著時間慢慢變淡，因此請給予自己充分的時間去適應悲傷。如果悲傷情緒沒有隨著時間慢慢變淡的話請尋找專業對象的協助。
●重新適應沒有逝者的環境
當逝者過世之後你才會意識到他在你生活中扮演了什麼樣的角色，你需要重新適應或學習新的生活甚至技能以填補逝者過去扮演的角色。此外有很多喪偶者會覺得失去了一位可以陪伴自己並分享每日點滴的親密對象，這種屬於內在的適應需要讓時間淡化一切。逝者過世後可能也會影響到你對自己的自我定位，你怎麼重新看待自己的角色，這些都需要時間去適應與給予不同的意義。
●傳承
很多在外國工作者或者是移民者常要面臨在無法陪伴與照顧重要他人的深深自責，而我們必定有各自的苦衷才無法陪伴在逝者身邊。你可以思考一下逝者在生前你最喜歡對方的特質與個性是什麼？你印象最深的一次對方是怎麼跟你互動與相處的呢？
我想這位親人在你人生中扮演了某種重要的角色，逝者生前你喜歡對方對待你的方式、態度，甚至教導你的內容，你可以用這種對待他人的態度與方式持續地去照顧你身邊的重要的家人與朋友。將這份溫情繼續留存下來。你會慢慢找到你跟逝者連結的方式。
●回家的心理準備
某一天，你從異地回到家鄉前會開始面臨到很大的失落感。當你看到逝者居住的環境、你們共同的回憶場景等都很容易促進傷情，失落的情緒將會排山倒海地跑出來。這時候好好經歷與陪伴你失落的情緒，需要時可以找親人或朋友談談你對逝者的感受或他的離開對你的感受。
先謝謝自己把這段文章看完，你很棒～哀悼過程是一段需要時間去恢復的歷程。這段時間我跟你都知道是一個很痛苦的過程，好像撕裂的傷口縫合起來，看到一些刺激這個傷口又再次打開了，你需要花時間照顧與陪伴這個傷口。我相信你可以做到，請你也相信你自己可以做到，好嗎？
「唯有能愛的人，才能承認受悲傷之痛；
也唯有去愛，才能治療悲傷」
—Tolstoy
— —
The Loved One that you can’t say goodbye to
As the coronavirus is wreaking havoc around the world, everyone is faced with the reality of living a different lifestyle; one that has never been experienced before. Many new immigrants or friends who work abroad cannot go back to their hometowns. Over the past year, most of my friends and clients have witnessed the untimately departure of family and close friends taken from this world too soon by this virus. The author has also experienced the pain of being unable to return home to say goodbye and grieve the loss of beloved family members and pets. Due to this pandemic, our adaptation to the mourning process will be more difficult than ever.
After experiencing this major event, the following phenomena may occur:
●Lost Sense of reality
It is possible that you will experience strong sense of denial, because you can’t directly feel the absence of the deceased family member when you have been living in separate countrie. Furthermore, our inability to physically participate in the farewell ceremony of the deceased makes it hard for us to embody the experience of their absence. Therefore, we experience a lost sense of reality about the passing (away) of the deceased.
When we returned to our hometown, to the scene where we often interact with the deceased family member, our sadness may potentially, emerge slowly. Hence, we may experience the so-called delayed grief. In our daily life, we may be accustomed to sharing life’s moments, photos, etc. with the deceased loved one. Since this has become second nature to us, even after their demise, we may find ourselves impulsively sharing our lives with this person only to be hit hard by a sense of loss as the reality that they are no longer with us kicks in.
●Seeing something related to the deceased, will trigger emotions
When our current living environment is separate from that of the deceased, the loss may not directly affect your current lives. However, suddenly seeing a gift or photos from the deceased or other objects related to the deceased may trigger a flood of emotions.
I’ve personally experienced a surge of sad emotions in the past when a casual scroll on my phone, I remembered that a deceased family member baked the cake on the photo and right at that moment I was hit by a wave of grief.
●Self-blame
Many immigrants will blame themselves when they experience the illness or loss of a loved one. It’s very common for them to put the blame of being unable to take care of their sick family members or see them for the last time on themselves and their decision to work abroad in the first place. Generally, going through the mourning process should be able to help minimize people’s regret over their past decisions. At this time, you need to empathize with yourself and to re-affirm yourself by telling yourself that the decision to work or live abroad
was in your best interest. For instance, for a better future, life and generous income, these are all the benefits that your family have enjoyed. So focus on these benefits and on what this decision has meant to you and your family.
●A certain part of yourself has left with the deceased
This is how I personally experienced the passing on of my two pet dogs. Growing up, my parents were busy working, so they rarely accompanied me. Therefore, when my two pet dogs that were my childhood companions passed away while I was working abroad. I felt like part of me left with them. However, I choose to hold on to the inner most memories I shared with them. Many people who have lost a partner or significant others find themselves in the same situation.
So how can I calm down or adapt to the life of the loss?
●Accept and experience the grief
When you slowly begin to realize that the other person has really passed on and that they are no longer part of your daily life, you will feel a sense of brokeness and sadness. You may need find the right time and space to process your sad emotions. This is critical to your recovery.
Although you may not realize it yet, these emotions will definitely affect your daily life.
Because being abroad prevents you from participating in the farewell or in other ceremonies
If necessary, let your boss or close friends in your country of residence understand you are grieving. If time permits, take the day off, to experience, accept and process your own grief.
Keep in mind that this requires a long period of adaptation. It may even take many years for this kind of pain to gradually fade over time. So please give yourself plenty of time to adapt to the sadness. If the sadness does not fade over time, please seek professional assistance.
●Adjust to the “new”world (environment) of living without the deceased
When the deceased passes on, you will begin to realize the role he/she played in your life. When this happens, you need to think of ways to re-adapt or learn a new way of life. That may mean re-assigning the responsibilities and tasks that were previously handled by the deacesed. In addition, spouses may feel that they have lost an intimate partner who accompanied them and share their daily bites. This kind of internal adaptation requires time to normalize everything. The loss may also affect the remaining loved ones’ sense of self, in essence their self-image. It is important to remind yourself that it will take time to adapt and ascribe different meanings to your new identity without your loved one.
●Spread and Inherit the good personality from the deceased
Many foreign workers or immigrants often experienced a deep sense of self-blame for not being able to accompany and take care of the deceased. Remember that, there are valid reasons for why you were unable to accompany the deceased.I invite you to think about the traits and personalities of the deceased that you liked the most during their life on earth? How did interacting with the deceased profoundly impact your life? There must be an important role that they played in your life. Maybe, you liked how they treated you, their attitude towards you, and even what they taught you. You can take these things, integrate them to your personality and carry on your loved one’s legacy of treating others well. Spread the warmth.
●Mental preparation for going back to your hometown
Returning to your hometown from your country of residence will bring a great sense of loss. When you see the environment where the deceased lived, the actual scene of the memories that you shared with them; unexpected waves of grief may overwhelm you. At this time, you can practice just sitting with your feelings of the experience of loss. If necessary, you can talk to your relatives or friends about your feelings as a result of losing the deceased family member.
Thank yourself for reading this article first. You are great~
The mourning process is a journey, and recovery may take time. You and I both know that this period marks the beginning of a very painful process. At times, it can feel like stitching up an open wound, only to experience some irritation when the wound opens up again. Therefore, we need to take time, take care of and heal this wound. I believe that you can do it, now it’s a matter of you believing that you can also do it, okay?
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them” --Tolstoy
